Valerie Lux grew up seeing women doing it all, having a career and raising a family, without complaint.
When she became a mother herself, the reality check that came with it made her question her self-worth, she said.
“I grew up in the era of supermodels who would have a baby and six weeks later they were on the runway and everyone was applauding and not questioning that,“ Lux said.
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“They looked perfect, they had a perfect child and they were so happy and relaxed — (I’d ask myself) why can’t I do that?
“It impacted how I could eat, how I could sleep, how I interacted with my family (and) how I saw myself.”
The Australian Institute of Family Studies has found 74 per cent of women in 2024 felt stressed about balancing work and life commitments, compared with 57 per cent of men.
That was a notable increase from the 51 per cent of women and 34 per cent of men who felt stressed about the same issue when the first survey was done five years ago.
Lux said about three times a week she feels stressed about juggling her role as a mother of three with her job as a full-time consultant based in Adelaide.
Even when Lux and her partner split the household work evenly, she said she still carries most of the mental and emotional load.
Coming home from work doesn’t mean she gets to relax — instead she needs to be switched on and present for her children, she said.
“We (women) often think of ourselves as a last line of defence for all things family system,” Lux said.
“If things go wrong, there’s been a mistake or something needs to change, if no one else can do it, I’ll do it and I’ll fix it.
“I probably learnt that from my mother.“
The National Working Families Survey of more than 6200 parents and caregivers was commissioned by advisory firm Parents at Work and UNICEF Australia.
Employees struggling to balance their responsibilities meant 42 per cent of survey respondents had difficulties managing their physical and mental health.
Parents at Work chief executive Emma Walsh said part of the solution was giving both men and women more flexibility so they could meet their home and work responsibilities.
“Workplace cultures are still geared towards supporting men as primary earners and women as primary caregivers,” Walsh said.
Employers need to increase women’s participation in the workforce simultaneously with men being able to work from home or change their roster to help care for children, she said.
The federal government announced changes to parental leave in 2022, increasing the amount of leave a second primary caregiver could take.
The 2024 AIFS study found nearly half of men took less than one month of parental leave for their last child, and about half of this group said it was because their employer did not allow them to take more.
Walsh said cultural change was necessary so women were not viewed as the only primary caregiver.
“It is still expected that the care burden is something that the individual women needs to work out on her own and what we’re saying is no, that’s not possible, every workplace has a role to play in it,” Walsh said.
A stark difference in gender roles of couples was also identified in the survey, with women (42 per cent) always or usually doing the household chores compared with men (10 per cent).
Lux said it was important for her sons to do housework when they were old enough, and for her family to remove gender roles around work and home life.
“I want them to become feminist advocates when they grow up,” Lux said.
“It’s still easier for men than it is for women, but I don’t want my sons to sit on their privilege and not do anything with it, but to use it to better society.”
She also encouraged families to build a support network who could relate to their experiences and support them when they needed a break from being a carer.