Trigger warning: This article references child abuse and self harm
Popular TV chef Julie Goodwin has revealed she was sexually abused as a child, a hidden trauma which would trigger her as a teenager to make an attempt on her own life.
In her new memoir, Your Time Starts Now, the 53-year-old has aired the harrowing secrets she has kept private until now.
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Recalling the sexual abuse she faced at age seven, Goodwin said she had buried the traumatic memory until it resurfaced when she was 16.
“It was sudden,” she told The Australian Women’s Weekly.
“Nothing triggered it, it was just like the memory was always there, like a dusty book on a library shelf.
“And one day I took it down and looked at it and went, ‘Holy crap, how have I not thought about that for nine years?’”
She spoke of the abuse to no one — with her parents only recently learning about it.
Through her teenaged years, Goodwin was appointed school captain, was known for academic excellence, and was heading towards her dream career of either criminal law or journalism.
A year after the memory of the abuse resurfaced, she says, she was hospitalised after trying to take her own life.
Days later, she returned to school and the distressing matter was swept under the rug.
Goodwin says the attempt on her life profoundly changed her, plaguing her with shame — and her drive to become a lawyer or a journalist diminished.
Enter Michael Goodwin, the man the TV chef went on to marry.
“I can’t even think about where I would be if I hadn’t had that (her relationship) for all these years. Because it wouldn’t be good,” she said of her then-boyfriend’s support.
“There are a few things that I tested my beautiful boyfriend with to see if I was loveable when all that was out in the open, and I must have been.”
The couple went on to welcome three boys, Joe, Tom and Paddy.
While motherhood brought moments of pure joy, the author said it was the first time depression reared its ugly head, and she said it sparked a drinking habit.
“It let go of me sometimes and I could carry on and do all the things that I needed to do,” she said of her drinking patterns.
All the while, her food and TV career began to boom, prompting cookbook deals, TV appearances and the launch of her cooking school.
Goodwin should have been on top of the world but this was not the case behind closed doors.
It was around this time that a doctor diagnosed the chef with depression and anxiety.
Thoughts of taking her life re-emerged in 2020 amid the COVID pandemic and bushfires that forced Goodwin to close her cooking school.
She has now bravely addressed the moment suicidal thoughts re-entered her mind.
She told the Women’s Weekly that a couple and their dog saved her life one night, sitting with her when she was in a moment of crisis.
After gathering herself, Goodwin called her husband and went on to admit herself into a psychiatric ward.
The chef says her mental health is still something she works on daily.
“You don’t get your head tweaked and go, ‘Yee-ha!’ and come out and carry on with your life,” she said.
“That’s just not how it works.
“I still have days that I struggle to put a smile on my face, I struggle to lift my mood … but I have better tools now.”
If you need help in a crisis, call Lifeline on 13 11 14.
For further information about depression contact beyondblue on 1300224636 or talk to your GP, local health professional or someone you trust.