Scrolling through social media, it’s easy to think that motherhood will be a series of picture-perfect scenes: fun-yet-educational days out, matchy-matchy outfits and wholesome home-cooked meals.
But as any working parent will know, this is far from the case. Like, reeeaaally far from the case.
In a landmark study commissioned by Maltesers, the weight of unrealistic expectations placed on working mums loomed large.
“Everyone has a view about parenting and it’s not always helpful. Our research uncovered a multitude of expectations that people – employers, colleagues, friends and family, society in general and parents themselves – load on to working parents,” says the report, Let’s Lighten the Load.
“Often, these expectations are outdated and limiting, not only for mums but for dads and partners too. And when parents try to live up to the expectations but inevitably find they can’t (because they weren’t realistic in the first place), they often feel sadness, guilt and shame.”
If this sounds all too familiar, I hear ya. If you’re ready to set the record straight, here are five working parent expectations – and the cold, hard realities on the ground …
Expectation: being a working parent is easier now than ever before
Reality: from shared parental leave to workplace parenting groups, it seems as though working parents have more support than ever before. But as I, and anyone else in the trenches, know, the truth is much more complicated, especially if, like me, you’re parenting alone.
As Maltesers highlights in its white paper, uptake of paternity leave is incredibly low; only a third of eligible fathers in the UK took paternity leave in 2021-22, according to HMRC data. Meanwhile, the campaign group Pregnant Then Screwed found that nearly a fifth of dads who didn’t take paternity leave said it was because they were worried about discrimination at work or had been told by their employer that they couldn’t.
As for how we can solve this problem, Maltesers is clear that we need sweeping changes on a societal level – and we can all play a part in moving things forward. Challenging masculine workplace culture (which still prevails in many sectors), examining our outdated expectations of the role dads play in family life, and supporting mums to work more flexibly can all help get us where we need to be.
Expectations: juggling family life and work will come naturally
Reality: prior to becoming a parent, I assumed that once my daughter arrived my maternal instincts would kick in and direct me like a satnav – but that’s not always how it works. Instead, I found myself struggling to know how to keep my head above water, and wondering how other people made it look so easy. The secret? It turns out they’re all winging it too.
Now, six years in, I’ve found a system that works for us. Along with a little help from ‘the squad’ (AKA our incredible support network … more on them later!). I’ve also developed a seasonal calendar that reflects our different needs throughout the year (ie, a structured winter routine, and a looser summer timetable that allows for more flexibility and fun).
Will my system work for you? Probably not. Because the reality is, there is no single way to keep all the plates spinning – it’s hard. Everyone finds it hard. But as time goes on, you’ll find your groove – hour by hour, day by day, year by year, job by job – just like I did.
Expectation: work-life balance exists – and I would find it!
Reality: according to Let’s Lighten the Load, 79% of mums in the UK feel guilty for not spending enough time with their children, while 56% feel guilty about not working enough. And I can really relate to that.
For the first five years of my daughter’s life I had no balance and no time off. It was intense, and often I felt as though our time together wasn’t of the quality I’d have liked. Oh, the guilt … and then the guilt of having the guilt. It was like chasing my own tail.
Thankfully, as time has gone on, things have gotten easier – partly because she’s now at school (although don’t even get me started on the fact that on average there are 91 days of school holidays, but only 28 days of annual leave. Please, someone, make it make sense!). I’ve also got better at asking for help when I need it – especially when it comes to flexibility at work.
Having the flexible work chat can be terrifying (believe me, I’ve been there), but it can also be incredibly worthwhile.
“Flexibility can involve time or place: working from home or other locations, working part-time or flexible start and finish times, break times or shift patterns,” they explain in Let’s Lighten the Load, which really opened my eyes to all the potential possibilities out there.
As a first step, I’d recommend reading your company’s information on policies in this area so you know your rights (if you don’t know where to find them and are too nervous to ask your boss/manager, HR will be able to help).
Then it’s all about steeling yourself for the conversation, and being ready to negotiate for what you want. And remember, you’re not just doing this for you and your family, but also for the next generation of working mums coming up. The more we normalise flexible working, in all its forms, the better things will be for all of us.
Expectation: it’s actually possible to be a perfect mum
Reality: as research from Maltesers has found, the myth of the perfect mum lives on, and is making a lot of us feel inadequate by comparison.
I quickly found that trying to keep up with these ideals was unrealistic, and rather unhelpful to the equilibrium of my household – and when I started opening up about this to other mums, I learned that many of them felt the same way.
Change came when I spent time thinking about what kind of mum I wanted to be for my daughter, rather than trying to conform to an archetype of a mum I didn’t even recognise. Replacing the word “perfect” with engaged, involved or present gives us space to be human.
I really believe that knowing what you can do, and where you might need some support, is more important than being perfect. In fact, one of the key aims of Let’s Lighten the Load is to get everyone else – partners, family, friends, colleagues and even bosses – to become better allies to the working mums in their life. And for our part, us mums have to get better at asking for the help we need instead of feeling guilty or less-than. Because the truth is, no one is perfect – no matter how glossy their photos are.
Expectation: it takes a village to raise a child
Reality: OK – this one is actually true, and has been especially vital for me as a single parent. My daughter and I have “the squad”, the people who keep us afloat and share the load. I have a therapist, someone to help hold my mental load. Friends – who help keep me smiling, even when I feel completely overwhelmed. And then I have my chosen family, a mixture of people who are “more than friends”, and actual family, who help with childcare and days out. Without the squad, our world would stop spinning. There is no shame in asking for help. In fact, often it’s the bravest thing you can do.
MALTESERS® in partnership with Comic Relief, is working towards a future where women no longer face injustice. Together, we’re working to lighten the load for working mums and help women thrive. Find out how
Mars Wrigley is donating £500,000 in 2023 to Comic Relief, operating name of Charity Projects, registered charity in England & Wales (326568) and Scotland (SC039730)