It seems that there’s a new cutting-edge-beauty-treatment-that-also-sounds-like-a-medieval-punishment in town: Kim Kardashian recently revealed on an episode of The Kardashians that she’d tried out a salmon-sperm facial, a treatment that counts no less a skin-care authority than Jennifer Aniston as an adherent.
“First of all, I said, ‘Are you serious? How do you get salmon’s sperm?’” Aniston told WSJ. Magazine in 2023, relaying her conversation with an aesthetician. And those…are pretty much my main two questions, as well, followed embarrassingly quickly by a third: Can I afford this?
“If you told me that I literally had to eat poop every single day and I would look younger, I might,” Kardashian famously told The New York Times in 2022, and while I, uh, wouldn’t go quite that far, I have been known to become emotionally and physically dependent on many an out-there beauty staple that I once derided. (Looking at you, Erewhon smoothies and activated-charcoal masks!) I’m also no stranger to slathering all manner of capital-W weird stuff on my face, from snail mucin to Shark Sauce—no actual sharks involved in the making of that one, I should add—and have never met an expensive moisturizer I didn’t immediately steal from my mom’s bathroom. All this to say…should I take the salmon-sperm plunge?
Unfortunately, a salmon-sperm facial—which is marketed under a number of names, including the Rejuran Skin Booster—will set you back an average of $500 per session. So, despite the fact that the procedure—which includes an injection of polynucleotides derived from milt, or fish semen—promises to boost skin regeneration and stimulate new collagen production, I’m sad to admit that it’s probably not for me. In my next life, though, I fully plan to come back as a peer of Aniston and Kardashian’s who’s always hot on the heels of the next beauty innovation—no matter how fully and completely insane it may sound.