Catherine, 32
Once I had left my religious boarding school I started to speak to people about sex toys and erotic reading
Growing up, I was told by my mum from a very young age that I had to protect my virginity until I was married. At school, we had one sex education class where it was pretty much just a teacher with a cucumber showing us how a condom goes on. I found out everything on my own, from films, books or magazines such as Cosmo. In Uganda, many homes are religious, whether that’s Christianity, Catholicism or Islam, and even through people are now more sexually liberated, it’s generally unspoken.
When I was 19 and in my first serious relationship, I had sex for the first time. Casual sex wasn’t discussed in my social circle, but as I got older, my thoughts changed; I became far more sexually liberated. As long as it’s safe and consensual, that means having the freedom to know yourself, your body and what pleases you, and explore that without feeling it’s taboo. Once I had left my religious boarding school, I started to talk to people about sex toys or erotic reading. I was exploring what gave me pleasure.
Daudi and I met at school when we were about 11, then three years ago we ran into each other. We started speaking and pretty much never stopped. I feel I’m in a committed relationship: we’re very good friends and I’m able to be honest. We’ve talked about what gives us both pleasure. It’s usually foreplay and kissing. He likes it if I kiss his neck, then it pretty quickly turns into full-on sex. We like to change where we have sex: different parts of the house, sometimes fooling around in semi-public spaces. There’s something about the anticipation and the risk – the knowledge that you could get caught. It’s probably a bit reckless, as you could be arrested or publicly shamed. But I like the feeling of excitement that comes with the risk.
I was a survivor of sexual assault before what I consider to be my first sexual experience. At the time, I only confided in two friends. I didn’t tell my family as I knew it would break my mum’s heart. I have a lot more autonomy now and I’m able to talk about my past traumatic experiences. Even in the middle of the act, if I am triggered, I can say, “No, I’m not comfortable”, and Daudi has the emotional intelligence to understand. There are times when my sex drive is lower, but we can be intimate without having sex. For us, sex is not always about being passionate; sometimes it is a way for us to be close, and there’s no pressure for it to be something it isn’t.
Daudi, 31
Younger generations love to have sex – but through our tradition and culture it’s presented as otherwise
I’ve known Catherine since I was 11. Back then we were just friends, and after school we went our separate ways. We weren’t in contact and then we seemed to find each other at the right moment. Things sparked between us after we met again.
Catherine had an experience of sexual violence in the past. In the period we’ve been together, certain times have been more difficult for her on an emotional level. I’m part of that process, and I’m learning about what sex means for her and how I can support her. In those times, there’s reduced sexual activity from a physical standpoint, but there’s more time spent bonding. As the relationship has developed over the last two-and-a-half years there’s been more openness in talking about sexual desires. We probably have sex four or five times a week, sometimes more.
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She has a thing for outdoor spaces, somewhere a bit risky – playing around in the park, in cinemas or on a balcony. This normally is just a precursor, to turn each other on, then we’ll find somewhere more private. Public fornication would be a terrible thing to be caught in the middle of here: it could mean jail, and police officers have sticks, so you might get beaten. So there’s definitely an element of being careful.
My parents are not religious, and my upbringing also had elements of western education, so I saw the cultural differences growing up. There’s a lot of discussion about morality in Uganda: culturally, the overarching tone is about enforcing “traditional” ideas. I’ve never really watched it, but porn is illegal. It’s also illegal to be in a same-sex relationship, so life can be very dangerous for a lot of people. The speaker in parliament regularly talks about how homosexuality is a subversive force used by foreign powers to undermine the Ugandan government.
Despite that, people are sexually liberated. The younger generations are much more open about sex, especially on social media. I get a sense that they love to have sex – but through our tradition and culture it’s presented as otherwise. Ultimately, we’re all just human, trying to make our own decisions about what works for us.