There’s a famous line in Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina: “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” The book is fiction, but some psychologists argue that happy couples really do have something in common: they observe the 5:1 formula. According to this concept, for every negative interaction that occurs during an argument—such as being critical, dismissive, or defensive—there should be five or more positive interactions.
The Gottman Institute notes that the simple rule was conceived by psychologists John M. Gottman and Robert W. Levenson, who began studying couples back in the 1970s by asking them to resolve a disagreement within a short window of time. By observing how they approached resolving arguments, they came to predict with more than 90% accuracy which of the couples would stay together and which would divorce. They concluded that maintaining a certain number of positive interactions during moments of conflict is the secret to a stable and lasting relationship, and that it takes at least five positive interactions to overcome one negative one.
According to Dr. Gottman, arguments are inevitable in all marriages—including healthy ones—but both parties should endeavor to quickly repair things. “Anger only has negative effects in marriage if it is expressed along with criticism or contempt, or if it is defensive,” Gottman explains in his 1994 book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last.
Dr. Gottman outlined simple interactions that can help couples to appreciate one another even in moments of disagreement, and can serve to strengthen a relationship over time. Below, an overview:
Showing interest
When your partner complains about something, do you listen? Are you curious about exactly why they are so upset? Showing interest by asking follow-up questions, or through body language, is a simple way to make them feel heard, and reassure them you are taking the problem seriously.
Expressing affection
Within a discussion, expressions of affection and physical and verbal closeness reduce stress—it lets the other person know you are ultimately going to solve the problem together.
Making small—but meaningful—gestures
According to experts at the Gottman Institute, small gestures of attention and demonstrations of affection, when repeated over time, have a positive impact on a relationship. They are “buffer” signals that count towards those all-important positive interactions during a disagreement.
Focusing on common ground
Emphasizing the points that you do agree on during an argument will help you to resolve things more swiftly.
Empathizing and apologizing
Empathy is one of the deepest forms of human connection, a way of making another person feel understood and loved. Keep this in mind when you and your significant other disagree.
Accepting the other person’s perspective
You can acknowledge another person’s different point of view without necessarily agreeing with it. It is a way to make the other person feel respected.
Sharing a joke
Playful teasing can help to ease the tension, even in a heated argument.