In their quest to discover what makes love last, clinical psychologists and researchers John and Julie Gottman interviewed more than 3,000 couples and followed some for as long as 20 years. They have also studied more than 40,000 couples who are about to begin couples therapy.
Of course, there is no formula for a long lasting partnership, but couples who remained happy together for years did have a few things in common, the Gottmans found.
Here are the do’s and don’ts for a satisfying relationship.
Do: Make repairs.
In an interview on her online class platform “Sessions,” psychotherapist and bestselling author Esther Perel interviewed the Gottmans about their research.
One commonality most successful couples had, the Gottmans found, was their ability to do “repairs.”
“The couples who really were successful a few years down the road were the ones who made repairs,” Julie Gottman told Perel. “They made repairs when their partner didn’t receive a bid for connection. They made repairs if they said the wrong thing, [if] they blurted out the wrong thing.”
Making a repair doesn’t mean buying flowers or treating your partner to an expensive dinner. It can be a question or a comment which acknowledges that your partner is a person and not an enemy.
John Gottman gives an example from one of his clients who just fought with his partner: “One guy said, ‘Well now that we’ve destroyed each other’s personalities, how about a piece of cheesecake.'”
Do: Express positivity.
During one of the Gottmans’ biggest longitudinal studies, they discovered one math equation which “makes you or breaks you” in a marriage: The ratio of positive to negative interactions during a conflict needs to be five to one.
For this study, the Gottmans asked couples to try to resolve a disagreement in 15 minutes. They recorded the conflict, watched the tapes and categorized each interaction as positive or negative.
Positive interactions included a smile, touching the other person’s hand, or simply saying “I understand.” Negative interactions were insulting or blaming the other person.
“We watched couples, logged the data, then released them back into the wild,” they wrote in their book “The Love Prescription: 7 Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy.”
“Six years later we followed up. And lo and behold: it was the couples who had maintained at least a five-to-one ratio (or more!) during conflict who were still happily together, still feeling the love.”
Don’t: Use red flag phrases.
“These red flag phrases alert us that a couple is in shaky territory,” The Gottmans write in their book. “The negative perspective might be starting to set in.”
Instead of telling a partner “You never plan dates anymore,” say “I’d love if we went on more dates. I love spending time with you.”
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