Once you step into the realm of parenthood, the world becomes a hub of unsolicited advice. “Life will never be the same again,” I was told so many times. Friends, colleagues and family warned me about the sleepless nights that babies bring, the epic battles with pint-sized toddler tyrants and the never-ending dramarama of school politics.
But what the sisterhood failed to prepare me for was the challenge of balancing work with the relentless demands of motherhood; it’s like stepping into an alternate universe, where you have to do everything you did before, plus a whole new messy, unpredictable, 24/7 job on top.
As it turns out, I’m far from alone in finding myself trying to keep way too many balls in the air. Let’s Lighten the Load, a landmark study commissioned by Maltesers, describes work-life balance as a myth “because there is never enough time for either” – and calls on everyone from partners to colleagues to up their game and become better allies (AKA ‘motherlovers’) to the working mums in their life.
As for me – 14 years, two kids and five jobs into my journey, here are seven things I wish I’d known about before becoming a working mum …
The juggle and the mum guilt
There’s nothing more poisonous for the soul than mum guilt, and it comes from all angles. Like most working mums I know, I constantly feel as if I’m letting my kids down – because, say, we’re having fish fingers for dinner again as I don’t have the energy to make something more aspirational from scratch. But I also feel that I’m slacking off at work – because I’m making a mad dash to get out on time so I don’t get fined for late pickups from after-school care. Often the juggle feels endless: evenings are spent practising spellings with one kid; dropping the other at gymnastics; then there’s reading practice; and making sure my teenager isn’t being mentally scarred by some social media interaction. Come 9pm, you’ll find me hiding in a corner, dreading hearing “Muuuuum” one more time. It’s a no-win situation, and someone is always going to feel hard done by, even though all of us mums are doing our best, whatever that looks like.
The nursery catch-22
Why didn’t anyone tell me that sending your kid to nursery is akin to sending them into medical warfare? You’re likely to spend most of your salary paying for nursery so you can go to work. But the problem is that at nursery, your child will pick up any number of illnesses, and you’ll inevitably catch them too, which means they won’t be going to nursery and you won’t be going to work. Fantastic!
The good news is that this phase doesn’t last for ever. Before you know it, school will start, and while that brings its own set of challenges, at least your pocket and your reinforced immune system won’t be taking quite the same hit.
Join the class WhatsApp group
Did you just do a full body convulsion at the thought of joining the class WhatsApp group? I hear you. But the fact of the matter is, the class WhatsApp could be your saving grace. Obviously switch off all notifications, but there will always be at least one mum there who’s an oracle. She’ll know the school dates for your diary, what’s for lunch, the weekly spellings and the homework. And when you’re inevitably running late for pickup, message the group; a fellow mum will almost always rescue you. There can, though, be eye-raising moments when things go wrong between parents, resulting in a WhatsApp beef. We had one mum accuse another of trying it on with her husband. That was a low point, to say the least.
You’ll really look forward to going to work
The days I spend in the office have become treasured. It’s a complete escape from the physical presence of my children, my cats, the homestead, the overflowing washing basket and the carpet that needed vacuuming a week ago. I’ve even learned to treasure my commute, and now consider it “me time”, when I binge on my favourite TV shows. The office has become a sanctuary; a place I feel appreciated, where I have something valuable to contribute, and where my brain gets a workout.
Annual leave – plan it like a military operation
School holidays plus half-terms, minus by your annual leave, equals an anxiety-inducing number of days that aren’t covered. Try not to feel bad about relying on favours from family and friends – and have a strategy in place for persuading the children that summer clubs are fun. My advice: get a wall calendar and plan it all out as early as you can, because kid admin rustling around in your head can only lead to the dark place.
The mental load is intense
Orthodontists, swimming lessons, eye tests, your mother-in-law’s birthday, supper, dirty bed sheets, the leaky roof – you know what I’m talking about. Then there’s work on top of it all – the deadlines, the accountability, the pressure to perform. One thing I can promise you is that you’ll have fellow comrades in the other mums at work, because they know the mental load and they’ll have your back. Failing that, get on the class WhatsApp group you reluctantly joined and ask for the support you need – because mums help mums. Unless you’re trying to have it off with one of their husbands …
There’s no shame in asking for help
And last but very much not least, repeat after me: there is no shame in asking for help. There is no shame in asking for help. Whether it’s asking your partner to pitch in with more housework or pickups, or your boss for some flexibility in your working day, this is one of the most important lessons I’ve learned, and one I wish I’d known about sooner. Far from being a sign of weakness, letting those around you know when you’re struggling – and, importantly, what they can do to help – won’t only benefit you, but will also help to build a fairer society for future generations of working mums. And I think we can all agree, there’s absolutely nothing shameful about that.
MALTESERS® in partnership with Comic Relief, is working towards a future where women no longer face injustice. Together, we’re working to lighten the load for working mums and help women thrive. Find out how
Mars Wrigley is donating £500,000 in 2023 to Comic Relief, operating name of Charity Projects, registered charity in England & Wales (326568) and Scotland (SC039730)