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Dear Life Kit is NPR’s advice column, where experts answer tricky questions about relationships, social etiquette, work culture and more.
This question was answered by marriage and family therapist Moraya Seeger DeGeare. The conversation has been edited for length and clarity.
Dear Life Kit,
My wife and I have tried and failed to have a child via in vitro fertilization three times, and we are now scraping the bottom of our savings. We’re both heartbroken.
She wants to use the last of our savings to try one more time. But I want to move on and try to adopt a child.
She focuses on how she may never have a child. She often cries or gets angry if someone plays a movie on TV with pregnancy or childbirth in the plot. Our daily conversations veer into crisis as our focus returns to babies. I don’t know how to help her. — Baby Blues
Moraya Seeger DeGeare is a marriage and family therapist.
Photograph by Nick Di Giugno
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Photograph by Nick Di Giugno
My heart truly goes out to both of you. I’ve worked with couples working through this, and there’s no right and wrong.
We’re looking at several questions: How do I support this person I love? Should we try IVF again? And how can I tend to my grief when my partner is weeping next to me?
The first thing to do is calm your bodies down. There is a lot of pain here. Come together as a couple to bring less stress to your life. Work out together, meditate, go to therapy.
Once you both get to a place of calm, have a conversation about your emotions regarding the decision to try IVF again. One partner may be driven by practicality or the fear of losing money. Another may be driven by the desire to experience pregnancy. You may find that you have the same fears, but are expressing your feelings very differently.
Ask yourself some hard questions. Is the clock ticking in terms of a potential pregnancy? If we spend the money on IVF, how are we going to recoup the savings? What fears does your partner have about fostering and adoption?
Then talk about what a meaningful life looks like for the both of you. We often attach ourselves to what the future is going to look like. When we do that, we attach to so many factors outside our control, like having a baby. But there are some aspects of the future that you do have autonomy over, like financial stability and healthy relationships. How can you flourish and create a beautiful life together? Create a plan around that.
Don’t forget to allow yourself to grieve. It’s easier to hold onto hope for a pregnancy when we allow ourselves to accept the idea that it might not happen, but also say it’s OK to try.
This story was written by Malaka Gharib. It was edited by Beck Harlan and Andee Tagle. The visual editor is Beck Harlan.
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