REVIEW: ‘Gladiator II’ takes on rhinos, monkeys, sharks and more

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You’ll know exactly when “Gladiator II” jumps the shark. It’s the scene involving an actual shark.

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There are bad movies that are entertaining and bad movies that are a drag, and I wish I could tell you which one this unasked-for sequel to the best-picture-winning 2000 film is. The truth is, it’s both.

Set 16 years after “Gladiator” and featuring whichever of the original cast aren’t dead or unbribable, the new film has all the opulence of the first film but none of the majesty. It’s an epic without a purpose and therefore fine for a lazy Sunday streaming in a few months. After that, “Gladiator II” will find its true purpose playing on multiple screens in the TV aisle at Costco.

Ridley Scott, whose recent career has consisted of turning over the bones of his earlier hits, has mounted this production with flair, a grandiose digital re-creation of ancient Rome and a disregard for historical accuracy that is at times hilarious. When one character sits down at a sidewalk cafe to read the nonexistent Daily Papyrus over his morning coffee – a beverage that won’t arrive in Europe for another 1,500 years – the only response is an indulgent horselaugh and disappointment that they didn’t just go ahead and give him an iPad.

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You want to know about the plot? There is one. Two or three, actually. Where the first “Gladiator” contented itself with a fairly simple narrative line – muscular hero rises to fame and defeats decadent emperor – “Gladiator II” dives deeper into the civic strife and internecine politics of 3rd-century Rome.

The main story concerns Hanno (Paul Mescal), a mysterious European who, when the film begins, is captain of the guards in the African kingdom of Numidia. After a splendidly noisy opening assault by the massive CGI navy of Rome, Hanno and his fellow prisoners are taken to the Imperial City, where his mettle as an arena fighter – against the most ridiculous giant baboon an army of digital rendering technicians can conjure – attracts the attention of the ambitious Macrinus (Denzel Washington), as well as the curiosity of the young twin emperors Geta (Joseph Quinn) and Caracalla (Fred Hechinger), the former shrewd and nasty and the latter an idiot devoted to his pet monkey.

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Hanno only wants revenge against the general who conquered Numidia and killed his warrior wife (Yuval Gonen). Said general, Marcus Acacius (Pedro Pascal), is a noble dude who’s plotting a coup and a return of the Republic with HIS wife, Lucilla (Connie Nielsen, reprising her role from the first film), daughter of the late Marcus Aurelius. Still with me?

With Nielsen the only woman of substance in the movie, “Gladiator II” is manly-man stuff, with much sweaty heaving and clashing of vorpal swords. The battle scenes are muscular and enjoyably stupid, and they pit the unlucky gladiators against (a) the aforementioned baboons, (b) a man on a giant rhinoceros and (c) those sharks, which feature in a re-creation of a naval battle that fills the Colosseum like a watertight hot tub with teeth.

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At nearly 2½ hours, the movie is fun to watch until it’s not, and then it becomes a chore. One problem is the dreadful dialogue by David Scarpa (“Napoleon”) and Peter Craig (“Top Gun: Maverick”) – hollow declamations that lack the zing of the first “Gladiator” and speeches about freedom and liberty that sound like they were written by AI. A further problem is Mescal in the lead, a gifted but internal performer who has pumped up impressively for this show but whose Hanno lacks the charismatic bulk of Russell Crowe’s Maximus from the first film. It’s signaled early on that the character’s real name is Lucius and that his connection to Maximus is more than tenuous, but the part needs a star, and Mescal is simply an excellent actor.

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Denzel Washington – now there’s an actor AND a star, one who knows a slab of cubic zirconium when he’s in it and is happy to take the payday. There really was a Macrinus, born in what’s now Algeria; he was the first Roman emperor who never actually visited Rome during his reign. No matter; Washington makes up the character from whole cloth, scheming and smiling, doing little bits of business with his hands and letting tiny bits of rage slip through his eyes.

You almost expect him to turn to the camera and ask, “Are you not entertained?” As long as Washington is on-screen, the answer is verum: truly.

RATING: One and one-half stars out of four

– Ty Burr, The Washington Post

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