Yesterday, Lexus released a new concept: A GX with a pizza oven in the back, so you and your fancy friends can have the world’s bougiest tailgate. The Monogram GX, as it’s called, is a one-off build that shows off Monogram-branded appliances — expensive equipment in an expensive car with expensive fit and finish. Clearly, we broke bitches can do better.
Why should we be banned from creating pizzas in our own vehicles? Why can’t we make a pie just as good as the Monogram GX can — better, even? I say there is no reason. I say we can make the pizzas of our dreams in our own Lexus GXes, and I say we can do it all for under five grand. Here’s how.
First, you’re gonna need a Lexus GX. Sure, you could do this in pretty much any SUV or hatchback, but if we’re going to rip off a luxury automaker we’re going to do it right. Here’s a first-generation GX for $4,000 in gold, which you can tell yourself is the color of Tuscan roof tiles at sunset. Y’know, pizza time.
Now that we’ve got a car, though, we need to deal with the whole pizza thing. Lexus’s Monogram release brags that “the electric hearth oven was handcrafted to capture the performance of a wood-fired brick oven to prepare pizza, soft artisanal bread, or fresh-caught roasted branzino,” in perhaps the most Williams-Sonoma copy I’ve ever seen from a car brand. So, let’s beat them — we won’t just capture the performance of a wood-fired oven, we’ll put a whole ass wood-fired oven in this car.
The Ooni Fyra is a genuine wood-fired oven, and it costs $350. Add in the cost of some brackets to hold it to the floor, and we can assume we’re looking at a $400 situation here. Of course, since we’re burning actual wood inside of a vehicle, we’re going to want a way to get the smoke out of there in a controlled manner, like this $30 dryer hose and exhaust vent combo that can be neatly installed into the GX’s roof with the help of a Sawzall.
Now we’re $4,430 into our build, which leaves us all the money in the world to mimic the Monogram’s other bourgeoise features. “Exterior wine and bourbon storage?” Here’s a $25 cooler. “Chilling compartments?” The cooler again. “The first and only heated ice press in the U.S.; entertain to the nines with this showstopping piece, that creates a sphere to chill bourbon or spirits?” Get over yourself. Buy ice from the gas station like the rest of us.
The rest of the Monogram’s features largely boil down to “it comes with cups,” which Solo can provide for under five bucks. I’ll bet the fancy Lexus glasses don’t even have Jazz Cup graphics. We’re now into this build for $4,460, and there’s little else we could want for in the world. Someone, please, do this and take pictures. I want to see the ultimate pizza-making tailgate setup.
