I’m not even sure why this matters so much to me but it does. I know if I start to refer to myself as a lesbian/dyke nothing about my life would change apart from this tiny identifier. No matter the label, I know I prioritize queerness in all aspects of my life (politically, romantically, etc). But ironically, I feel most of my struggle with my queerness has been trying to understand if I even like men.
How can I work out if lesbianism is right for me? And if it is, how do I come to accept it?
Yours,
A Potential Lesbian
Dear Potential Lesbian,
Breathe! I could read the spiral in your letter, and so it is incumbent on me to remind you that labels are there to help us, not to panic us. You are in a relationship with a woman you love and who you feel committed to. You are public about your identity and are living in a patriarchal society as an out queer woman. This remains a massive feat in a profoundly misogynist and heteronormative culture, which conditions women and girls to place their value on their ability to cater to straight male desires from childhood onwards.
You’re not alone. There is not a single lesbian, bi person, gay man, or trans person I know of who emerged from the struggles of a repressed youth into an adult queer life without some degree of internalized homophobia, biphobia, or transphobia. This is not our fault and is not a moral failing, so please don’t beat yourself up about recognizing you’re still working through this stuff.
Let’s talk about the word lesbian. It’s a funny one, right? It’s a noun, for a start. Adjectives like “gay” or ”queer” feel a little more in vogue, or, at the very least, less intense. “Lesbian” is blunt and in-your-face, it’s not fucking around. (I had a similar struggle with the term “transsexual,” though I grew to enjoy its intensity: I now use it as a noun to describe myself pretty regularly.) It would be very understandable for you to have a reflex of shame about the word “lesbian” too, given how it’s used in schools. When I was a kid, at least, “lesbian” was thrown around as a slur: directed at pretty much any girl who did not conform to conventional feminine aesthetics, was not considered pretty by boys, or who simply showed little interest in them. It was employed as a way to tell young women they were becoming women the wrong way. Alongside this, it also had sexualized connotations thanks to the ubiquity of porn that featured women having sex with each other for a male audience. I can imagine that for many young women growing up and coming to realize they are not straight, the initial experience of the term “lesbian” might have been more than a little traumatic.