A growing number of adults in the US are opting out of parenthood. In 2023, 47% of adults younger than 50 said that they are unlikely to ever have kids – up 10 percentage points from 2018, according to a Pew Research Center report.
The Pew report surveyed differences between non-parents aged 50 and older, and under-50 adults who do not have kids and are unlikely to in the future. The older cohort’s top reasons for not having children were that it just didn’t happen (39%) and that they didn’t find the right partner (33%). Meanwhile, the younger cohort’s most common response was that they just don’t want kids (57%; other top responses were “wanting to focus on other things” (44%), concerns about the state of the world (38%) and not being able to afford a child (36%).
Research like this helps dispel the myth that not wanting children is a fringe or uncommon desire, says Zachary Neal, a professor of psychology at Michigan State University. In his own demographic research centered on adults in Michigan in 2020, Neal found that about a quarter identify as childfree.
Destigmatizing the idea of not wanting children benefits everyone, says Amy Blackstone, a sociologist at the University of Maine, because it helps us all acknowledge that parenthood is a lot of work and that having children is a consequential decision. We can also loosen the grip of stereotypes – “like that we hate kids, that we’re selfish”, says Blackstone or that they’ll struggle to take care of themselves in their older years.
Four adults aged 50 and older told the Guardian about what their lives have been like without children.
Sharon Her, 50
Brooklyn, New York
What is your marital status? I’ve been with my husband, 51, for 21 years; married for 17.
How and when did you realize you didn’t want kids? I’m first generation Hmong – in our families, it’s never even a question: it’s assumed you’re going to have kids, you’re going to be a good wife, be part of the family and build the family. It’s not uncommon for Hmong families to have 10+ children. So there was always an expectation, and I never really questioned it, but I also felt that strong urge to have kids of my own.
I feel like I really could’ve gone either way. But then, when my husband and I got married and he told me he was leaning toward not having kids, I said: “OK, I’m fine with that.”
What pushback or stigma, if any, have you faced? In the 1990s, when I was in my mid-20s and I didn’t have kids, people thought that was weird. Then when I got married at 33, everybody was like, “Hurry, you have to have kids in the next year because you only have one or two years before it’s a geriatric pregnancy.”
What presence do children, or caregiving generally, have in your life? In the Hmong community you always have a lot of cousins and nieces and nephews around. I was also a Sunday school teacher, and I worked in youth development for 15 to 20 years of my career.
We’ve always been very active in my nieces’ and nephews’ lives. Even now, I’ll fly them out here when they need a break. My nephew stayed with us for a month before the pandemic because he was in between school and work and I said “come live with us”.
My husband and I also have friends who are much younger than us, who we joke are kind of like our kids. Plus, I co-founded Hmong NYC, a community group for Hmong people in New York City. The Hmong kids here call me “Hmong mom” and my husband “Hmong dad” even though he’s not Hmong – we always host people and give them a place to stay. We stay close with them even after they leave and now we have friends who are like family all around the world. Our “village” is so big.
What would you like to say to any younger adults considering a childfree life? You’ll have to repeat yourself all the time and get people used to the idea that you mean it. The more you confront it and the more you explain this to people, the more you normalize it. And that’s an important community to make visible.
Jerry Steinberg, 79
The Greater Vancouver area, British Columbia
What is your marital status? I’m married. She’s 76 years old and we’ve been together since 1987.
How and when did you realize you didn’t want kids? I thought everyone wanted kids and that included me. But in my 20s, I dated several women who were single mothers and I found the children were a barrier between us. I was also a teacher for 47 years, and the longer I taught, the more I knew that kids were not for me. Kids control your life and they are very expensive to raise – not just financially, but also in time and energy. Your interests suffer when you’ve got kids.
What pushback or stigma, if any, have you faced? The family and societal pressure was relentless. My parents ganged up on me, saying they wanted me to give them grandkids. People – even strangers – told me all the time that I was making the wrong choice, that I would regret it, and that I would change my mind.
When people say things like “Who will take care of you when you’re older?” I point out that first of all, that’s a very selfish reason to bring children into the world. Second, what’s to guarantee that your children will live anywhere near you and will be ready, willing and able to take care of you? After all, most people’s children will have children – and other responsibilities – of their own. I anticipate moving into a retirement home some day.
What do you think you’ve been able to achieve or enjoy that you might not have been able to if you had kids? I did a lot of volunteer work for the Lung Association and I founded No Kidding! a social club for childfree couples and singles that now has over 40 chapters. I’ve written two books for language teachers – Games Language People Play and Whatcha Gonna Learn from Comics?
What would you like to say to any younger adults considering a childfree life? The most important thing is that you give potential parenthood the attention it deserves. It is most likely the most important and irrevocable decision you will make in your life. If you marry the wrong person, buy the wrong house or get into the wrong career, you can undo what you’ve done and take a different path. If you have children and regret it, you are socially and legally responsible for every one of them for the rest of your life or theirs.
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Sarah Beegle, 59
San Leandro, California
What is your marital status? I got married when I was 25, but we divorced when I was 30. I never married again.
How and when did you realize you didn’t want kids? I never really wanted children. When my ex and I got married we decided that we were not going to have children. He could’ve gone either way, but my view was that you shouldn’t have kids unless you’re 100% committed to it and love the idea.
When I thought about the possibility, I knew that I’d likely have to raise them alone – a lot of marriages end in divorce, but even married women end up carrying the majority of the childcare burden. I didn’t think that I could support myself and another human being without immense struggle and I just didn’t think that would be fair to anybody.
What pushback or stigma, if any, have you faced? My parents never pressured me or any of my sisters. I did feel a little bit of pressure from doctors. They would say things like “when you get pregnant” or “X things will change after you have kids” – making lots of assumptions.
What presence have children, or caregiving generally, had in your life? I have friends who have children, and they’re in my life. My best friend’s son, for example – I was involved in his life from the very beginning, and I consider him my friend now, too.
What do you think you’ve been able to achieve or enjoy that you might not have been able to if you had kids? I have a pretty carefree life. I spend 80% of my life in my garden – I have so many pictures of all my flowers. Some people have tons of pictures of family, I have pictures of my flowers and cats.
I love to go to the beach. It’s 40 minutes from my house so I’ll get up at 5 in the morning, drive out with a thermos of coffee and just hang out until I’m ready and I’m home by 8 o’clock. When I come back, nobody’s asking for me or going without because I’m not there – nobody is dependent on my presence. It’s very freeing.
What would you like to say to any younger adults considering a childfree life? Don’t have children if you aren’t really sure, because they are forever. If you don’t want kids, see what that looks like for you. You can undo being childfree later, if you choose. You can adopt, you can foster, there are so many choices. But creating a child is a lifetime commitment.
Diana Fuentes, 65
San Antonio, Texas
What is your marital status? I got married in my 30s, but my husband passed away in 2009, when he was 45. I didn’t get married again.
How and when did you realize you didn’t want kids? My husband wanted kids, and I love kids, but it wasn’t a make-or-break thing for either of us. We both traveled a lot for work and though we kept talking about it, it just didn’t happen. When I hit my 40s we talked about adoption and he considered becoming “Mr Mom”, a stay-at-home parent. But in the end, we were both very committed to our careers.
What pushback or stigma, if any, have you faced? I didn’t get as much of that as I thought I might, especially coming from a Latino background. Our siblings already had children, so both our parents already had grandchildren and so there was no immediate push from them for us to have kids. Some of our friends, when they were having children, would ask, “Are you two going to have kids?” Or some people asked, “Is it that you can’t have kids?” – which is rude. But that was the minority, and we always had friends who also didn’t have kids.
What presence have children, or caregiving generally, had in your life? I have nine lovely nieces and nephews. My husband and I were there when they were born, we helped paint nurseries. When my sister and brother-in-law had rigid work schedules, my husband and I would be the ones to drive them to or pick them up from school. We went to almost all of their school plays. At one point, I was the Volunteer of the Year at my niece’s school – that was right after my husband died. I took a leave of absence from work and stayed with my sister’s family.
What would you like to say to any younger adults considering a childfree life? Sometimes people will say that, without your own biological kids, your life is not complete or that you’re missing something. I disagree. The world is a big place, and it has a lot of problems. I can still contribute to the world and help out the next generation – I don’t need to bring my own child into the world to do that.