Dance like no one’s watching
Make it so that you don’t have to pretend, with individual dancefloors for the shy and retiring.
Remove all chairs
Everyone sitting down signals the death of the party. People who are standing are more likely to move around and mingle, or start dancing, or start a fight. Exciting!
Bring back putting your car keys in a bowl
Who needs nextdoor.com when you can explore the long-lost art of getting to know your neighbours… intimately.
Stuck in a conversation?
Give them a genuine compliment and the excuse that you need to refresh your drink. Or say you need to tell someone at the party something urgently – say it conspiratorially, tell them what it is. A touch of gossip is always good and makes them feel as if they’re helping you out when you walk away.
Make an entrance
Dame Zandra Rhodes, fashion designer
Go in smiling! Walk in looking very assured, even if you don’t feel it. Give off fabulous energy. Then, move around the room, see everyone and spread the joy. Remember, colour makes everything exciting so be sure to wear plenty of it – give guests a feast for their eyes. Definitely no grey and black, please. A gold suit is always stunning, or wear something out of place… a pair of bold print pyjamas, or a bright handkerchief that is really a napkin. Whatever you do, make an effort. When someone’s really dressed to the teeth it’s exciting, because that person has bothered – it makes the party. Put flowers in your hair, wear a coloured wig or an exotic turban. Come up with a shawl or a feather boa – and don’t be afraid to make a mistake. And if you do, great – it might be the talking point of the whole party.
Avoid a faux pas
Rylan Clark says Barbara Windsor once gave him this advice: when introduced to someone always say, “Lovely to see you”, rather than “Nice to meet you”, just in case you’ve actually met them before.
Prepare some one-liners
David Sedaris steals icebreakers from Duolingo, like: “How long have you known your dentist?” or from an old copy of Teach Yourself Japanese, which included the phrase, “I no longer take any pleasure in my work. Shall I quit tomorrow?”
Get permission to post
Don’t share pics online without asking the host. They might have a stolen painting up in their living room or, imagine, invited only one half of a divorcing couple.
Hype up the guests a week early
A little text in advance, such as “I can’t wait to see you!” or “I’m looking forward to introducing you to S, I think you’ll really hit it off…” means they’ll arrive excited. Give them a little job (“Please bring a big bowl!”) to make them feel included and vital to the proceedings.
Sharing is caring
Tell everybody exactly what you think of them. Embrace the punches, the eye rolls, the compliments in return, and the wet kisses, too.
Make it snappy
Rhik Samadder, columnist
Smartphones are the death of joy. Whenever they’re whipped out for photographs, people are already thinking about how to untag themselves. You should distribute disposable cameras instead, right? Incorrect. We’re about immediate gratification now and there’s no going back. Get an Instax or Polaroid. The pictures appear immediately, are flattering and precious – people want to keep them. Make a night feel vintage while you’re still in it.
Be fashionably late
Grace Campbell, comedian
The key to a good entrance is arriving late enough that people are wondering where you are, but not so late that it’s deemed as rude. Create a buzz. People saying, “Where is she?” Then arrive with an exciting story to tell. If you want to be noticed upon entering a party then… be noticeable! I’m not saying you should wear the coat from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, but something you feel confident and comfortable in. Smaller heels. Fewer layers to avoid getting too hot. And not white – in case of spillage.
Farewell your plus-one
Arriving with a partner? You have maybe 10 minutes to talk to each other, then it’s time to share a significant look, go your own way – and work the room. You go left, they go right.
Dos and don’ts for guests
Bring something with you. It doesn’t have to be expensive, or even alcoholic, but make sure you have something lovely to press into your host’s hands. Don’t ask what they want, they’ll say, “nothing!” But they don’t mean it. And if you do arrive empty-handed, then you’d better be bringing the most insanely sparkling conversation that the room has ever seen.
Jazz it up with jelly
Ashish Gupta, fashion designer
You need to make guests feel as though they’re entering a little fantasy, for which you need flowers and lamps. The worst thing in the world is overhead lighting. Hideous. You go to a party for two things: good conversation, and to get laid. With good lighting, everyone looks sexy, and if you fill the house with flowers, like marigolds or orchids, everything smells amazing, so you’re already halfway there. Always have one gorgeous little thing, like alcoholic jelly and ice-cream, served in champagne coupes – quite simple but visually luscious. You don’t need a theme, but you should have a vibe. Like “sparkle”. In India, we use tinsel for everything – you shouldn’t just bring it out for Christmas. The difference between a good party and a bad party is that a good party is never too tasteful.
Let some sparks fly
You can get these firework packs nowadays where you light one fuse and it sets off a whole display. Look for boxes with names that sound like problematic pop stars or energy drinks – things like Terminal Velocity or The Dogz. The worse the name, the better the display.
Phones in a basket by the door, please
You really don’t need to check the news. Everything is still terrible out there.
Get a fierce manicure
Sharpen nails into Edward Scissorhands blades and slice your clothes off as the night gets late.
Design your night
David Koma, fashion designer
First impressions set the mood. Design a dramatic entrance with lighting and a statement backdrop that suits the party theme for your guests’ grand arrival. This “portal” sets the tone for the night and lets partygoers leave their everyday cares behind.
Offer up a secret
Consider telling a fellow guest a secret that you’ve never said out loud before. Radical honesty tends to be met with radical honesty. Nothing too heavy, though, you don’t want to be a mood hoover.
Ramp up your dance moves
Crystal, drag artist
There’s nothing like walking into a venue and seeing a drag queen sitting on the bar to let you know you’re in for a good night. Nothing beats drag for giving people permission to forget their inhibitions and nothing brings a party together like learning a dance. I recommend the electric slide – it’s easy to learn, has great visual impact in a group and goes with almost every song. Finishing touch? Confetti cannons! They’re cheap and they pack a punch. Save them for the drop of the big song of the night. Hide a mini one in your purse for maximum impact.
Let your loved ones in
Philippa Perry, psychotherapist
There’s only one great thing that makes a great party. It’s not the decorations, or what you wear, it’s not about the food (takeaway pizza and crisps are fine), it’s about the people. Invite people who are open, like to laugh, like to cry, people who are easy to connect with, people you just love to be with, people who are loving, forgiving and lovable. Don’t invite anyone just because you think you should, just invite people you really want there and who want to be there.
Play to the heart
Miquita Oliver, presenter
Choose music that makes your heart feel good – or put Stevie Wonder on and leave it up to him. And let’s party somewhere with a spectacular view. There’s something truly magical about having a good time and looking across the city filled with other people having a good time.
Get fancy with flowers
Hazel Gardiner, floral artist
after newsletter promotion
Command attention by cascading thick curtains of trailing amaranthus from a giant urn, enveloping guests in a screen of burgundy. Place a runner of dried allium schubertii heads along a table, spilling on to the floor – use chicken wire for support so you can create undulating sparks of drama.
Give goodies to go
Matthew Williamson, fashion designer
Send everyone home with a thoughtful goody bag – breakfast treats for the morning after are the perfect finishing touch. Add a candle, Alka-Seltzer, Rescue Remedy, eye mask and bath salts for an extra touch of relaxation.
…And make them memorable
An alternative party bag could include an invitation to a group WhatsApp for a full party debrief and photo drop, a tinned Bloody Mary, a pain au chocolat and how about a thank-you card for them to fill out, pen included.
Follow the formula
Fran Cutler, queen of parties
There’s a perfect party formula, so follow it. For venue, go for one room – super luxe and super comfy – with a smoking area and great toilets. (Not too great, though, otherwise people will spend too much time in there.) Start at 8pm, then people get there for 9pm. Because if you say 9pm, they get there at 10.30pm. You’ll get your early birds who want to stay all night and then those who go to dinner first, then want their three hours of dancing. Later on, surprise the crowd with an iconic performer – they’ll go wild.
Unleash freedom
Tom Rasmussen, musician
Well, you’re going to need to reach for euphoria. You can’t fake your way to the top of emotion – this party has to be about opportunities for real, actual freedom. No dress code, but a door policy: Are you annoying? Are you a “co-worker” (in the McKenzie Wark conceptual sense) or someone who doesn’t have the right vibe? We all know one who thinks they’re much too cool, or is out to exploit resources while giving nothing back. Next you’ll need a fully free, no-questions-asked bar (or at least a nearby 24-hour offie) and then limes – an inordinate number of limes. Cigarettes can be smoked anywhere, ash can be dropped anywhere, drinks can be spilled and anyone can kiss anyone provided all parties are consenting. Plus-ones, plus-10s are allowed as long as nobody is morbid, dread or a poseur. You must be willing to let chaos ensue.
Build a champagne tower
Laura Jackson, co-founder of glassette.com, stylist and broadcaster
Fill the room with multi-coloured balloons – there should be no space on the ceiling to be seen. Serve truffle cheese toasties, roast potatoes with aioli and the largest champagne tower you can build. At midnight, hand out chocolate cigarette eclairs on a silver trolley, followed by espresso martinis.
You have a ‘no shoes inside’ rule?
You’re going to have to manage your expectations for the evening. Dressed-up adults should not be made to stand in their socks, or – the horror – barefoot.
Let your hair express who you are
Charlotte Mensah, hair stylist
Bring your full self to the party. I’m talking about a vibrant expression of self with two things: your hair and a classic hall party with a modern twist. The giant community hall party is a tradition of celebration I grew up with in Ghana and that we carry on as part of the diaspora in the UK. Take the hall party first. For this you need a rhythmic pounding of drums, singing at the top of your voices, big tunes, extravagant outfits and the sweet aromas of jollof rice and palm wine. Now to your hair, which is your chance for an even bigger expression of individuality: afros, red hair, pink hair, shaved heads, elaborate head wraps and intricate braids. Ghana meets London meets beauty – the ultimate party.
Get ready to run
Tia Kofi, drag performer
In these uncertain times, we should throw caution to the wind with a healthy dose of practicality. I would highly recommend all glad rags are to be worn with a sensible running shoe, not a heel, should a swift escape be necessary. Avoid gowns as they can’t be hitched up when running from a zombie horde. For anyone sporting a suit for the occasion, a white pocket square would be the most chic as it can also double as a flag should you need to surrender to a Mad Max-style mob. Of course, just for additional supernatural safety, all drinks should be served with holy water as a mixer creating the perfect beverage to dash on to the face of any approaching vampire or demon.
Serve cheesy buns and bubbles
Itamar Srulovich, restaurateur, Honey & Co
For food, serve bouikos. These feta and cheddar buns from the Balkans are so easy to make, and you can make them ahead – have a tray in the oven just before guests arrive and it will fill the place with the most mouthwatering aroma, better than any scented candle (and cheaper! and tastier!). They are perfect with a glass of bubbles. Serve with dips and Bonilla crisps – they’re delicious and come in huge buckets – they are a party in their own right. One more thing: the key to making a party work is being sure to make introductions. A good party is one where you meet someone interesting, hear a good story and make a new friend.
Recipe: feta and spring onion bouikos
There are two key factors in getting the best texture here: use cold ingredients, and work them as little as possible.
Makes 12 small or 6 large
cold butter 50g
mature cheddar 40g
feta 40g
plain flour 100g
sour cream 50ml
nigella seeds 1⁄2 tsp
spring onions 2, chopped (or 2 tbsp chopped chives)
milk to glaze (optional)
Cut your cold butter into small cubes. Grate the cheddar and crumble the feta, then combine all the ingredients together straight away. Work the mixture until just combined; lumps of butter and cheese are exactly what you want in this dough (when you bake it, they will melt and ooze).
Place the dough on a lightly floured surface and pat it down to a rough rectangle 2-3cm thick.
I traditionally cut it into triangles, like so: flour the blade of your knife, cut the dough in half lengthways, slice across three times to divide it into six squares, then cut each of these from corner to corner to give you 12 small triangles.
Preheat the oven to 220C/ gas mark 7. Brush the bouikos with milk and bake on the upper-middle shelf of the oven for 10 minutes. Carefully turn the tray round, then reduce the temperature to 200C/gas mark 6 and bake for a further 6-8 minutes, until golden.
Keep the heat
If food is meant to be eaten hot, don’t serve it cold. Nothing good has ever come of congealed pizza.
Bring a martini bar with you
Arrive with at least three bottles of gin (or vodka, if you must) and vermouth, a few tins of Perello olives, a bag of ice and a cocktail shaker. You’ll make new friends faster than you ever have in your entire life. One failsafe recipe is the Connaught Martini. Using a dropper, gently pour 2ml bitters around the rim of a frozen martini glass. Prick an olive three times with a cocktail stick and let a little juice run out into the glass. Combine 15ml vermouth and 75ml gin or vodka in a mixing glass filled two-thirds with large ice cubes and stir. Strain into the martini glass, raising high to add aeration. Garnish with the skewered olive – and serve.
Saskia Vogel, editor of Erotic Review
Isn’t this the worst: the person you’re chatting with is glancing over your shoulder, scanning the room for… what exactly? There’s nothing more attractive or seductive than giving someone your full attention and being completely present with them. The party is here, with you. Hold eye contact. Find out what kind of magic can happen.
Establish a little inner peace
Nervous? Maybe take a little edible before you arrive, just to loosen yourself up a bit. Strictly legal only, of course.
Invite everyone
Fat Tony, DJ
Make sure every single person on earth is at your party to end all parties. If we’re all going down, we may as well go down together… with music. There’s no better drug than music. I’d love to say the party needs the most impressive lights or sound system, the best DJs ever, the most incredible performers. But does it? Surely, if we all know it’s our final few hours, the most amazing way to go is in knowing that all of humanity is making the ground shake as one. One last time.
Dim the lights
Horse Meat Disco, the longest-running weekly Sunday night disco at the Eagle in London’s Vauxhall
Start with a tight guest list of your closest friends – they’re the heart and will set the tone. Keep the lighting low and cosy, a mix of red and amber lights to give the room that smoky, late-night feel and, of course, a classic disco ball to give just the right amount of sparkle. Most importantly, create a space that celebrates all body types and identities, making everyone feel at ease to just dance and be themselves. This night’s all about the music, the community and a feelgood, no-judgment atmosphere.
…Make a memorable exit
Crystal, drag artist
Don’t slink off like an apology. Do the drag exit to let people know you’ve had a good time: shoes in one hand, bottle of Stoli in the other, lipstick everywhere and a lingering goodbye to every single person (in case they know where the afters are), then wave, and keep waving, as you flounce out of the door.