A toxic boss can ruin a dream job. A narcissistic one can ruin a dream job and your psyche.
Sometimes the damage can be even more acute than that left by a narcissistic partner or relative, says Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist in Los Angeles who focuses on narcissistic and antagonistic personality types. Durvasula has a new show, Dr. Ramani Network, on the interactive streaming platform Fireside where she discusses different mental health issues.
“We spend a good amount of our waking hours at work,” she says. “Don’t underestimate the harm of a narcissistic boss.”
A boss with NPD will never give you credit for your work or admit to their own mistakes. They might lose their temper if they are challenged, all while demanding constant praise. Their lack of empathy will keep them from treating you properly, and they often stand in the way of their employee’s advancement.
“Narcissistic bosses are talent hoarders,” Durvasula says. “When a narcissistic boss has someone really talented work for them, instead of helping them get opportunities, they aren’t only threatened by the talent but they want the employee to make them look good.”
New research shows that people with narcissistic tendencies are very unlikely to change, and if they do, it would be ever so slightly and over the course of decades.
“Recognize that in a vast majority of these cases the only way through is out,” she says. “It’s untenable in the long term to work for a narcissistic boss.”
If you can’t quit or find a new job easily, there are ways to cope with having a narcissistic boss.
1. Document the harm.
If want to register a complaint with HR, you’ll need evidence that you’ve been mistreated. Save emails, write down comments made, taken screen shots of messages — collect data that shows your boss’s behavior is chronic.
“You can’t show up with one piece of evidence,” Durvasula says. “You need years worth of evidence.”
But don’t expect workplace resources to be all that helpful.
“Have realistic expectations,” she says. “The kinds of things happening tend to occur under the radar. They tend to be viewed by workplace structures as personality differences. There are often not structured ways for a person to get help.”
Narcissistic bosses are talent hoarders.
Ramani Durvasula
clinical psychologist
2. Leave fingerprints on your work.
Because a narcissistic boss is unlikely to acknowledge your accomplishments, it’s important to leave distinct marks on your work.
If you’ve worked on a report, be sure to keep all previous drafts. If you are pitching your boss an idea, be sure to include others on the email or message when you send it along.
“You’re literally saving all the bricks you made to create that final piece of work,” Durvasula says. “Send it to other people and say, ‘Hey, I want you to see my progress.’ Email is a time stamp.”
3. Seek mentorship.
Because this behavior can go unnoticed, it’s easy to feel like you are alone. Talking to someone, preferably outside your company but in your industry, can help you find solutions to your specific challenges and feel heard.
“You don’t say, ‘Hey I’m working for a narcissist,'” Durvasula says. “Turn to a mentor and say ‘I need a little help navigating this situation.’ You might get some real wisdom.”
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