Even without a betrayal on one side or the other (or both), a healthy break-up can still be tricky. “There are couples whose relationship has been difficult for a while—maybe they’ve argued for years and they’ve gradually ground down the good feelings between them,” says Abse. “The circular arguments are an attempt to change things: If only you could see how I feel, understand what I meant, we could be happy again. But then somebody actually says, ‘No more,’ which can happen at any time. It can be a really visceral feeling, that you can’t bear to be with that person anymore, and that makes it very difficult to be nice and work things out.”
Which is not to say that it can’t be done. Here, Abse explores how to approach a break-up in a respectful way.
So, what can be done to make things more amicable?
“You have to shift from anger to sadness,” explains Abse. “You have to enter a mourning process. Both partners have to be able to say: ‘I loved you once, you were my best friend, but it’s over, we haven’t got anything left. Let’s be kind to each other, and let’s let go.’ That requires a level of emotional maturity many of us don’t have in the face of loss—instead, we tend to protest and rage. Those processes of allowing yourself to become sad and to mourn are something we generally resist—if we can do it, it makes a huge difference.”
What’s the right way to tell someone you want to split up?
“I think it’s incredibly difficult to open that conversation up, and some people would rather act up, maybe have an affair as a route out, but that doesn’t allow for the mutual mourning,” says Abse, who points out that if only one of you, rather than both, is contemplating leaving, trying couples therapy in the first instance could be a good idea. “Tell them: ‘I think we aren’t as good as we used to be, and we’re not as happy as we were. I’d like us to go and talk to someone.’” Abse suggests that if nothing improves, the therapist’s office can actually be a good place to decide to split. “After a few sessions, you can say: ‘I don’t think I want to go on with this.’ And that shared mourning and shared narrative can be an incredibly moving thing between a couple.”
What should couples try to avoid?
Revenge (“It just means you’re still engaged with the other person”) and “extremely prolonged, ugly divorces,” says Abse, who adds that when break-ups drag on it’s because “the couple have never done the work of separation and mourning.” She adds: “What they’ve done is continue to stay connected to each other, to argue and to fight over everything. You never stop thinking about your partner. They’re in your mind every day in this hateful way.”
What’s the main thing to remember?
Abse says accepting that there will be losses and costs when you break up with someone can help to make the split smoother—especially in cases of divorce, and where children are involved. “I’m not saying that people should just allow themselves to be taken advantage of, but you really have to think: What is the cost to you personally of fighting? What is the cost of that fight to your children? Children recover from divorces where parents are able to consciously uncouple and mourn.” Abse adds: “You can fantasize that you can somehow avoid losses, and get your lawyer to fight every which way, but it won’t change anything. You will still have to accept losses. You can’t take aim at your partner without shrapnel hitting your children, and yourself. You have to put all your energy into trying to find mediated solutions.”