“Ambivalent relationships” or friendships with individuals who are prone to mood swings can be “pretty bad for your health”, according to an expert who has revealed how to identify and deal with ‘frenemies’.
Science writer David Robson has explored the complex impact our relationships have on our physical health, suggesting that some outright “nasty” people may be better for us than those we consider our closest friends.
In a conversation with Chris Williamson on the Modern Wisdom podcast, he discussed “ambivalent relationships”. These are relationships with individuals who aren’t quite enemies, but as David pointed out, sometimes the other person isn’t consistent enough for us to make a judgement about their friendship.
He elaborated: “What’s weird about those is we’ll keep them in our relationship network for our whole lives but they’re pretty bad for our health if you have too many frenemies.”
Identifying a frenemy might not always be straightforward, as the expert conceded that sometimes the “good might outweigh the bad” and we won’t want to sever ties with this person.
However, he cautioned that maintaining a close relationship with someone who is inconsistent, sometimes praising you and at other times lashing out and being critical, can be more detrimental than being friends with “consistently nasty people”. This is because the uncertainty of a frenemy has a greater impact on our health than a clear-cut enemy.
He illustrated the point with an example: “If your boss is always difficult, you can kind of discount what they say. If sometimes they’re praising and other times they’re unreliably really critical, that raises your blood pressure a lot more. Knowing that you have an ambivalent connection in the next room as you and you’re going to have to interact with them, that is enough to raise your blood pressure.”
Deciphering whether someone is a frenemy or a true ally can be tricky, but David has a simple method to test the waters. He suggests asking yourself on a scale of 1-7 how likely they are to be helpful or hurtful when you need assistance.
A score above two on both counts could flag a frenemy. Once you’ve pinpointed a potential frenemy, the challenge is to mitigate their effect on your wellbeing. David advises: “We all know people like that and I’m not saying we should detoxify but we can be mindful of the way we interact with them.
“If you’re already feeling stressed, avoid an ambivalent connection, don’t go to them for help. If you have to see them, try to go to something that you can kind of chill out afterwards, exercise some self-compassion. Just remind yourself of their ambivalent connection so you don’t have to take what they say so personally.”