Trigger warning: This article contains descriptions of domestic violence
A West Australian mother has shared how she withdrew $10,000 to “pay for our freedom” and escape a toxic 16-year relationship marred by physical and emotional abuse.
Sheree Schonian told her story as the state government launched a $5 million advertising campaign to turn the spotlight on coercive control, which refers to a pattern of manipulation, pressure and fear to deny someone their autonomy.
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Schonian was just 16 when she was swept off her feet, but by the end of the relationship said she had experienced “all forms of family and domestic violence”.
She said her partner’s actions were subtle at first, but evolved over time. She was told what to wear, the friends she could keep, when she could go out and what she could eat and drink.
As she got older and began working full-time, she lost control of her money.
“Even during having my children, I worked. I went back to work after my second child was born after three months because (my ex partner) didn’t work and he kept all the money that we had coming,” Schonian said.
“There were times when at midnight we would have to sit up and fight for internet banking to transfer money.”
If she was late home from work by five minutes, she would have to explain why and “show my bus or train ticket as proof that I had gotten on… at that particular time”.
“He then started controlling my friends. I was isolated from my family. My phone was always checked and hidden from me. If I couldn’t find it, he’d say I’d left it somewhere,” she said.
“Everything was always my fault. I was always made to believe that if something had gone wrong, it was me that was making it go wrong.”
Through it all, she would hide her abuse by going to work “with a smile on my face”, and even lashed out at family who tried to broach that something was not quite right.
Schonian said there were times she was held hostage in the house without food and threatened with violence if she ever tried to leave. Eventually, she did.
“Something inside me just suddenly snapped and it was my children, some of the things they had asked me… I felt that I needed to get out for them,” she said.
“So it was just having the strength and the courage and believing in myself that I deserved a better life.”
She said she had to withdraw $10,000 to “pay for our freedom”, and she stayed with family for three months to get back on her feet.
Schonian said there needs to be more education about family and domestic violence, including coercive control.
“Even though I’m nine years out, I’m still working on myself, still healing, still have triggers,” she said.
The state government’s emotive new campaign will make clear the signs of coercive control and its devastating impacts.
The ads — with the tagline “It doesn’t have to be physical. Coercive control is family and domestic violence” — show how actions including monitoring, isolating, intimidation and gaslighting can create a sense of fear.
They will run on television, radio, social media and billboards over the next two years and were developed with insight from victim-survivors and advocates.
WA Premier Roger Cook said the campaign is an “important next step towards criminalising coercive control”, but the government is yet to set a deadline for when it will follow the likes of NSW and Queensland.
Cook said the phased approach to legislative reform starts with education and ensuring the community understands the issue.
Prevention of Family and Domestic Violence Minister Sabine Winton said, “we are committed to criminalising coercive control”.
“But we will take our advice from the experts and from our key stakeholders to ensure that when we do criminalise coercive control, victim-survivors are safe, everybody clearly understands what coercive control is and that we have success for convictions.”
If you or someone you know is impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or visit 1800RESPECT.org.au.
In an emergency, call 000.
Advice and counselling for men concerned about their use of family violence: Men’s Referral Service, 1300 766 491.