Name: Donald Trump’s watch collection.
Age: Brand spanking new.
Appearance: Shiny.
Price: The most expensive in the range is on sale for $100,000 (£74,600).
Quite a lot, for a watch? It contains nearly 200g of 18-carat gold – buyers can select gold, black gold or rose gold – and 122 diamonds. “I love gold, we all do,” the former president says, in a marketing video on the website gettrumpwatches.com.
Who makes them? They’re “Swiss made”.
Who by though? Hmm, that’s not immediately clear. It looks as though Trump has licensed his name to a company called TheBestWatchesOnEarth LLC.
That famous old Swiss watch company. Anyway, they’re very exclusive. There’ll be a limited run of just 147 of the Trump Victory Tourbillon watch, and each comes with a letter from Trump himself.
Tourbillon? It’s a mechanism that increases a watch’s accuracy.
Shame, I wanted to do a Make America Late Again gag. I think you just did anyway.
Anyway, you’ve got to be a tourbillonaire to afford one. You know you can get the time from your phone? There is also the more budget-friendly Fight Fight Fight model, coming in at just $499, which is water resistant to 200 metres.
This isn’t the first time he’s gone into watches, is it? True – he launched the Donald J Trump Signature Collection at Macy’s in New York in 2005. You may also be thinking of a comment by the Florida senator Marco Rubio.
What was that again? Little Marco, as Trump called him, said that if Trump hadn’t inherited a fortune from his dad, he wouldn’t be running for president, he’d be “selling watches in Manhattan”. I guess he’s now doing both.
And this is not the first piece of Trump merch made available during this campaign either, is it? No sir. Remember the $399 golden Never Surrender High-Top trainers he launched at Sneaker Con in February?
Sneaker Con indeed. And the $59.99 branded Bibles from which he reportedly netted $300,000?
Very Christian, truly a man of God. Plus commemorative coins and cryptocurrency …
As Stephen Colbert said: “The greatest presidents are honoured, they end up on our currency. Donald Trump could end up on our hush money.” Good one, Mr Colbert. Last year, it was reported that Trump made up to $1m from an America First Collection of digital trading cards.
It’s clear the man went into politics out of a love of public service and a genuine desire to make things better. And great again.
But this ostentatious gold monstrosity might just be the tackiest thing he – or indeed anyone – has brought out, ever. Amen to that.
Do say: “Time is money.”
Don’t say (actually, maybe do): “Time to do time, Mr President.”