The first two months of Deborah Thomson’s relationship with her ex-husband appeared to be pulled straight from the pages of a romance novel.
“He was the most attentive, romantic, wonderful appearing person that any misgivings I had … they soon disappeared,” she told 7NEWS.com.au.
By the time she realised it was all an act, it was too late.
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“I became so conditioned to acting the way he wanted me to so that he wouldn’t become angry,” she said.
“By the time the physical violence occurred, it was still early into the relationship, but by then he had me believe I was responsible for anything he did to me.”
The behavioural conditioning continued throughout their 18-year relationship.
When Thomson finally broke free in 2003, it took years of intensive counselling for her to understand it was not her fault.
“Trauma takes over your life in many ways,” she said.
“It’s not just trauma from experiencing abuse.”
The Tasmanian local was able to make sense of the abuse when she was diagnosed with complex trauma, a stress-related mental disorder that occurs from experiences of abuse and neglect that are often ongoing and extreme.
More than one in four Australian adults are impacted by complex trauma, according to the Blue Knot Foundation.
“The impacts are often cumulative,” foundation president Cathy Kezelman told 7NEWS.com.au.
“It can have profound effects on just about every aspect of a person’s functioning and health and wellbeing, going into adulthood and old age.”
Thomson hopes her survival story can prevent others from staying in an abusive relationship and lessen the risk of their trauma becoming complex.
Believing victims
At 24 years old, Thomson was enamoured by the charismatic young man she met.
After two months, he asked her to move in and within a few years, they were married and welcomed their first of three children.
On the outside, they were the picture-perfect couple. But behind closed doors, Thomson’s life was controlled by her husband’s physical violence and psychological abuse.
“Like so many victims, I blamed myself,” she said.
“I thought he was mentally stable. Therefore, if he behaved the way he did, he had a good reason to do so.”
In her memoir, Whose Life is it Anyway? Recognising and Surviving Domestic Violence, Thomson details chilling encounters of abuse, including being threatened with a rifle and beaten on the floor while their children were in another room.
After 16 years of abuse, Thomson finally disclosed the situation to her husband’s mother but she was not believed.
“She saw the bruise on my arm and she just said, ‘What’ve you done to make him do that to you?’ and I went straight back to blaming myself,” she said.
Later that year, she found the courage to speak with a women’s refuge, who told her it was not her fault.
It was a “light bulb moment” for Thomson, but with children involved, leaving was not as simple as just walking out the front door.
She stayed for another 1.5 years before she finally left with her girls and moved interstate to build a new life.
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There are myriad reasons why victims stay.
“It’s not because they want to, but they feel they have to,” Thomson said.
“There’s a housing crisis, there’s so little support availability and the support that is available has a waiting list that’s months long.
“Victims think, especially when they have dependent children, as though they have to make the choice to end and leave and possibly become homeless or stay with the abuser.”
Being believed is another issue.
When survivors turn to friends and family, their abuse is often diminished or excused, Johnson said.
It can be those closest to you who are the ones who say the abuser is “just overworked and stressed” or reply: “Well, he’s such a great guy around me. What are you talking about?”
‘You can’t do this alone’
More than five million Australian adults are living with the impacts of complex trauma, according to Blue Knot.
It can reach all aspects of victims’ lives, from their mental health to their ability to complete an education or hold healthy relationships.
Despite this, its impacts are “very hidden” in society, Kezelman said.
“Complex trauma underpins a lot of those other presentations — mental health presentations or social challenges — and so it’s not seen and because of the complexity people struggle to understand it.”
Thomson believes there is “so much work to do” to address attitudes towards domestic violence and misogyny in society.
“Until all society, that includes the abuser’s family and friends, hold an abuser accountable, why would they stop abusing,” she said.
“I think involving men more in the work, particularly when men become role models for abusers, will help dispel those myths.”
Her message to victims is simple: “You can’t do this alone.”
“You can’t fix your abuser, it’s their choice to take responsibility to seek help in reducing their abuse,” she said.
“So many people might tell you otherwise, but just know that it’s not your fault and seek help.
“Realising that anything is better than living with the abuse and feeling like you’re in a war zone every day — that’s no way to live.”
Kezelman added: “When they can’t hold on to the hope, to hopefully have someone who can do that for them, because there are pathways through this.”
“It can take time, it’s not linear … but knowing that life can be full and rich again despite having those past experiences.”
Blue Knot Helpline and Redress Support Service number provides specialist trauma counselling for people with experiences of complex trauma 9am-5pm x 7 days on 1300 657 380.
Purchase a blue knot or donate for Blue Knot Day on October 31 to help build a trauma-informed community which makes healing possible.
If you or someone you know is impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or visit 1800RESPECT.org.au.
In an emergency, call 000.
Advice and counselling for men concerned about their use of family violence: Men’s Referral Service, 1300 766 491.