I’m an enormous fan of Netflix holiday programming—the more ludicrous the premise, the better—so when I heard that Hot Frosty, a film involving a handsome snowman who comes to life, was headed our way, I was naturally thrilled. Does the plot make a lick of sense? No. Do I need it to? No. (Christmas and Hanukkah are all about whimsy, after all! Get in touch with your inner child and throw the rules and conventions of the actual world away!)
Absolutely every thought I had during the one-hour, 32-minute runtime of Hot Frosty, below:
- Does this woman’s heat not work?
- Oh, okay, it actually doesn’t. Sue your landlord, girlina!
- This town is called “Hope Springs,” for some reason.
- I just realized this actress is Gretchen Wieners from Mean Girls. This was definitely available information, and I’m not sure how I missed it.
- IS THAT CHRISHELL?
- Okay, no, it’s a different blonde woman.
- So this is, like, a Stars Hollow-ish town where you have to talk to all your neighbors even if you don’t feel like it?
- Is it painfully obvious that I grew up in New York City?
- My friend Laura, who I’m watching Hot Frosty with, would like to contribute to this recap that she and her wife have watched “all of the holiday movies starring Gretchen Wieners this month, and all of her onscreen counterparts seem gay.” Interesting!
- Oh, shit, enchanted snowman time.
- Is he supposed to look like Elvis?
- Why do people always crash through glass doors in movies with no discernible injuries? Shouldn’t it be a Selina Meyer moment?
- Okay, the snowman is alive, and I see what Laura meant about the gay thing.
- I mean, am I wrong? Are straight men just this chiseled now?
- Real Tarzan vibes here.
- Don’t call the cops! ACAB! Even if you’re pals with the sheriff!
- The sheriff is Darryl from The Office?
- I’m not sure I care about this small-town crime subplot.
- I do kind of like the snowman’s little denim boiler suit, though.
- Damn, Lacey Chabert really does look good. Drop the skincare routine! Unless it’s completely inaccessible to anyone who doesn’t have Mean Girls money!
- I love that this literal doctor is like, “Yeah, this all checks out, he’s a snowman.”
- Not the Lindsay Lohan in Falling for Christmas cameo!
- And a meta Mean Girls reference? I’ve died and gone to IP heaven.
- I wish I knew why I was so upset about the color of Gretchen Wieners’s couch. (It’s such a specific, ugly shade of green.)
- Oh, shit, the snowman is snooping and found Gretchen’s wedding photos 🙁
- Her husband died? 🙁 🙁
- Oh, the snowman is ripped.
- God, the Netflix cross-programming is getting slightly exhausting.
- Why does this (snow)man know how to make eggnog, but not how to dress himself?
- They just met and the snowman already wants to take Gretchen to Hawaii? Okay, lesbian U-Haul!
- Excuse me, who are all these hot older ladies the snowman has somehow fallen in with?
- I do like the sheriff’s aviators.
- Still not a fan of his subplot, though.
- I’m so sad to admit this halfway through a Netflix original Christmas rom-com, but I’m bored as hell.
- Wait, so if she gets her heat fixed…he’ll melt? Absentee landlord propaganda!
- I do love when a rom-com protagonist brings her Christmas tree home, although I prefer it when it’s Sally Albright in When Harry Met Sally.
- Okay, this is very delayed information, but that WAS Chrishell in what appears to be a minor cameo! Hell, yeah!
- Is it me, or is the snowman giving a touch of Jeremy Allen White?
- “Nobody can be mad at Christmas” does not hold true, in my anecdotal experience.
- Who are these charming children?
- God, watching middle schoolers ask each other out gives me residual hives.
- Not this cop explaining kissing to a snowman.
- Wait, gay cop?? How did I miss that?
- Shopping montage!!!!!!!!
- Getting the music-use rights to “Pretty Woman” can’t have been cheap, but it was well worth it, IMO.
- Aw, he got her a snowflake!
- Are snowman-teachers allowed to bring a date to the middle school dance?
- I just asked my friends: “So are the stakes here that he might melt?”
- I feel like the movie should have made that more clear to me!
- Oh no, the snowman got arrested! For the relatively minor-seeming crime of breaking into a thrift store! Which the thrift store owners already forgave him for!
- Everyone in town comes to free the snowman from the cops, which is famously how policing works.
- Aw, they all pony up for the bail! Even Gay Cop!
- Wait, the kid from before is Darryl’s son?
- Oh no, he’s melting! He’s melting!
- This is really a slow-motion melt, huh?
- Wait, he’s…gone? Come on, man!
- Don’t take off his special magic-powers scarf, Gretch!
- He’s back, baby.
- And he’s human now!
- He’s a real boy! He’s cold and everything!
- A Coldplay-song outro in a Netflix holiday movie can be so important.
Denial of responsibility! Secular Times is an automatic aggregator of the all world’s media. In each content, the hyperlink to the primary source is specified. All trademarks belong to their rightful owners, all materials to their authors. If you are the owner of the content and do not want us to publish your materials, please contact us by email – seculartimes.com. The content will be deleted within 24 hours.