It’s no secret that I have a lot of, shall we say, reservations (read: phobias, hangups, irrational fears) about long-term, committed relationships. One of the biggest—I mean, maybe not, but it’s up there—is my abject terror of inadvertently settling down with the son of a “Boy Mom.”
If you don’t know what a Boy Mom is, then good for you—stop reading this right now. It’s too late for me, save yourselves! JK, of course you know what a Boy Mom is, because it’s almost impossible to go through life as a human being with internet access in this, the year 2023, and not have stumbled upon one of these Black Mirror-esque embodiments of maternal devotion gone…weird. (For reference, #boymom currently has 24 billion views on TikTok.)
These Boy Moms, as they have dubbed themselves on social media, take an inordinate degree of pride in being mothers to sons that appears—surprise surprise—to be largely rooted in a whole bunch of internalized misogyny. Hallmarks of Boy Mom-ism include being (borderline incestuously?) obsessed with their sons, seemingly ignoring their female children or at least heavily prioritizing their male ones, embracing stereotypical gender roles, and, of course, feeling openly threatened by and/or actively hostile toward their son’s romantic partners—mostly to the tune of “no woman will ever be good enough for my special boy.” They’re basically the modern version of your stereotypical Overly Critical Mother-in-Law. Think SATC’s Bunny MacDougal, but with a TikTok following.
So where do Boy Moms come from? Not to get all, “Surprise! It’s the patriarchy!” on you again, but…surprise, it’s the patriarchy.
“The ‘special’ relationship that fathers feel with their daughters or that mothers feel with their sons is nothing new,” says licensed sex and relationships therapist, Emily Jamea, PhD. “Thanks to social media, though, ‘Boy Mom‘ culture has become totally sensationalized.”
Jamea suspects the trend is a reflection of mothers carpe diem-ing their chance to “balance the years of misogyny around concepts like fathers ‘giving away’ their daughters on their wedding day or meeting the new boyfriend at the door with a shotgun in hand.” Which, okay, fair! “The problem, though—perhaps quite obviously—is that it’s only reinforcing the patriarchy.”
Not only is this bad news for, you know, society, but it also has a way of breeding some pretty not-great behaviors and relationship patterns for Boy Mom-spawn. Shockingly enough, this tends to be, uh, rather disadvantageous for their romantic partners—particularly if they happen to be women.
According to licensed marriage and family therapist Kati Morton, YouTube creator and author of Are U Ok?, this kind of “toxic upbringing” can be “very detrimental to the men involved,” leading to dependence on others (read: the women in their lives) to make decisions for them, and/or an inability to forge healthy romantic relationships. Per Morton, Boy Mom-ism may, in some cases, have its roots in narcissism. “Narcissistic mothers tend to see their children as extensions of themselves instead of as independent people,” she explains. “Therefore they believe that their sons are just as good as them, and no one will ever be good enough.” This often translates to (ultimately misogynistic!) jealousy of and/or animosity toward the partners with whom adult sons of these Boy Moms eventually enter relationships
Because I’m both terrified and curious, I wanted to hear from some partners of Boy Mom sons themselves about what it’s really like to date Mommy’s Special Boy. Here’s what they had to say.
- “My ex’s mom was THE WORST person alive. She did everything for him, including clipping his toenails, which was fucking disgusting. I only met her three times in person because she lived in California and her son moved across the country once he met me. She hated me forever because I ‘took her baby away from her.’ She ignored me the first time she met me—literally walked right past me—and my ex ultimately told me he was never going to love me like he loves his mom. I said BYE!” —Laney*, 24
- “Apparently it’s a known thing for Spanish sons to be “golden boys”—sons who can do no wrong in their mothers’ eyes and whose mothers only have eyes for them—and apparently I have a thing for such Chicos de Oro. The entire five or so years I’ve been fucking my Latin lover, his IG (and psyche) have been filled with nothing but images of him and his madre (and sister!). Like, to the point where if I didn’t know him and saw his profile, I’d think his sister was his gf. 😬 He has only seriously dated one woman in the time I’ve known him, and it didn’t last long—it’s like there’s no room for serious commitment because mother-duty calls! Luckily I’m playing the field anyway, so I’ve never hoped to lock him down. Because if I had, I know I wouldn’t have the key—that shit is biological only.” —GG, 32
- “I legitimately broke off my engagement because I actually suspected my ex was fully having sex with his mother. He once told me that anyone who marries him would be so lucky to get his mom as a mother-in-law that they should pray in gratitude every single day. He also said on multiple occasions that his mom was the most ‘stunning’ woman he had ever seen in his life. He said this to me. His fiancée.” —Neha, 31
- “One time my ex’s mom came over and rearranged my entire kitchen while I was at work because it wasn’t efficient enough for me to ‘provide meals for her sweet boy.’ She also gave me lessons on how he likes his boxers and socks folded a certain way and shirts hung up in order of which he likes most. Longest four years of my life. Long story short, I was never good enough—no girl ever will be and that’s why he’s not married.” —Sara*, 29
- “His mom literally tried teaching me how to cut his toenails…. Safe to say we are no longer together.” —Dana*, 27
- “My first boyfriend would get his mom to do everything for him: Cooking, cleaning and planning every social event. When we were a few months into dating, I became like a stand-in for his mom. I would cook all our meals; I would clean his room; I would plan everything we did. I even filled out a job application for him. Any task that your mom would do for you at age 10, his mom was doing for him at 20. And as his girlfriend, I unintentionally took that role on.” —Talia*, 23
*Name has been changed.
Associate Sex & Relationships Editor